John Rhys Davies interview
The understanding and candor of this actor is amazing. I've come to expect nothing but stupidity and political correctness from the Hollywood crowd, but Mr. Davies obviously has an understanding and appreciation of his culture that is rare.
Interview transcript
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Well, this just has to be posted.
Having crawled forth from the spawning grounds of the lower Anduin River, they soon spread a putrid bile and vulgarity that despoiled the land. Men and Elves alike withered at the sight of the Darkling Magpies.
A small band of brave adventurers set themselves to the task of undoing the devastation wrought by the wretched Magpies. Undaunted by reports of the hideousness and stomach-wracking stench of the creatures, they bid farewell to their families and forayed to realms unknown and foreboding.
[Insert lots of detailed narrative describing riding through the forest here.]
As Bongo Baggins slowly pulled himself up the face of the rocks that sheltered the Magpie nesting ground of Limpopo, his mind raced through a hundred horrifying visions of what his eyes might soon witness. Carefully inserting the stubby fingers of his left hand into an almost-too-small crevice, he pulled himself ever so slowly over the last rock. What he saw nearly caused him to lose his grip and fall to what would have been a certain death into the gorge below. Marshalling all of his will and remembering well the admonitions of Grampalf, he steeled himself against the sensory onslaught.
His eyes were immediately drawn to the larger one, his porcine girth nearly a thing of humor. Watching him waddle about, Bongo got the sense that this creature never wearied of eating, and the carcasses of hundreds of Ho-Ho-Elorians were strewn about his nest. Bongo was certain that some dark enchantment had given this Magpie the power of flight for it was certain that his wings did not possess the necessary strength to propel his greasy, oliphant-sized body through the air. What a twisted creature it was, cast in the shape of a graceful bird, but of proportions sickeningly in conflict with nature. Just then, a second small, dark shape leapt from the back of the behemoth.
Upon more careful inspection, it was clear that this smaller shape was indeed the second of the Darkling Magpies. This one stood only to the tailfeathers of the larger creature and, in contrast to his corpulent brother, looked undernourished. His diminutive skull barely contained any plumage, and the feathers that remained there seemed ready to drop at any moment. The pale pink of his scalp shone through, looking as scaly and vermin infested as an orc's back.
Having dismounted his larger companion, the smaller Magpie began squawking and shrieking in a tongue of such vulgarity that Bongo's Hobbit ears nearly folded in upon themselves. Bongo forced himself to listen, trying to make sense of the strange language. After many hours of listening to their horrifying cackling, he realized they were attempting to enunciate a long forgotten lower language with their misshapen beaks. Beginning to understand the dark intentions they were communicating, Bongo was more zealous than ever to slay these villainous creatures and spread their bones through the Valley of Homogorn exactly as Grampalf had instructed.
Bongo retreated to the campsite where his companions were resting from their arduous journey as quickly and quietly as he could. They must not be discovered, but he had to let the others know the disturbing truth he had learned at the crest of the ridge.
"Misthanor, we must prepare to fight the Magpies! They are preparing their final assault on our kingdoms and must be stopped now!" Bongo implored the Human captain.
"Slow down, my little friend. They are but two birds, albeit the spawn of the Dark Lord himself, but mortal nonetheless. The steel of our swords shall dispatch them quickly, then we shall proceed to the Valley of Homogorn. Do not be so fearful, young Bongo."
"But you don't understand.... when their plan is complete, we will not be strong enough to overcome them. We must act now!"
"You don't mean...."
As the rest of the band crowded closely about Misthanor and Bongo, a look of understanding, disgust, and horror spread to their faces.
"Yes, Misthanor! If we don't act now, an army of Darkling Magpies will cover the skies of Middle Earth, blotting out the sun and destroying all life."
"How can they...," Misthanor stammered, his senses reeling.
"I don't know how they will produce an army of offspring, but they have been practicing the mating ritual for some time now, and if they aren't stopped, it is certain they will uncover a dark, evil secret that will allow them to succeed. I think one of them may be carrying a brood even as we speak!"
[End of Book 1]
Author's note: Okay, I’m spent. Feel free to write a sequel.
Having crawled forth from the spawning grounds of the lower Anduin River, they soon spread a putrid bile and vulgarity that despoiled the land. Men and Elves alike withered at the sight of the Darkling Magpies.
A small band of brave adventurers set themselves to the task of undoing the devastation wrought by the wretched Magpies. Undaunted by reports of the hideousness and stomach-wracking stench of the creatures, they bid farewell to their families and forayed to realms unknown and foreboding.
[Insert lots of detailed narrative describing riding through the forest here.]
As Bongo Baggins slowly pulled himself up the face of the rocks that sheltered the Magpie nesting ground of Limpopo, his mind raced through a hundred horrifying visions of what his eyes might soon witness. Carefully inserting the stubby fingers of his left hand into an almost-too-small crevice, he pulled himself ever so slowly over the last rock. What he saw nearly caused him to lose his grip and fall to what would have been a certain death into the gorge below. Marshalling all of his will and remembering well the admonitions of Grampalf, he steeled himself against the sensory onslaught.
His eyes were immediately drawn to the larger one, his porcine girth nearly a thing of humor. Watching him waddle about, Bongo got the sense that this creature never wearied of eating, and the carcasses of hundreds of Ho-Ho-Elorians were strewn about his nest. Bongo was certain that some dark enchantment had given this Magpie the power of flight for it was certain that his wings did not possess the necessary strength to propel his greasy, oliphant-sized body through the air. What a twisted creature it was, cast in the shape of a graceful bird, but of proportions sickeningly in conflict with nature. Just then, a second small, dark shape leapt from the back of the behemoth.
Upon more careful inspection, it was clear that this smaller shape was indeed the second of the Darkling Magpies. This one stood only to the tailfeathers of the larger creature and, in contrast to his corpulent brother, looked undernourished. His diminutive skull barely contained any plumage, and the feathers that remained there seemed ready to drop at any moment. The pale pink of his scalp shone through, looking as scaly and vermin infested as an orc's back.
Having dismounted his larger companion, the smaller Magpie began squawking and shrieking in a tongue of such vulgarity that Bongo's Hobbit ears nearly folded in upon themselves. Bongo forced himself to listen, trying to make sense of the strange language. After many hours of listening to their horrifying cackling, he realized they were attempting to enunciate a long forgotten lower language with their misshapen beaks. Beginning to understand the dark intentions they were communicating, Bongo was more zealous than ever to slay these villainous creatures and spread their bones through the Valley of Homogorn exactly as Grampalf had instructed.
Bongo retreated to the campsite where his companions were resting from their arduous journey as quickly and quietly as he could. They must not be discovered, but he had to let the others know the disturbing truth he had learned at the crest of the ridge.
"Misthanor, we must prepare to fight the Magpies! They are preparing their final assault on our kingdoms and must be stopped now!" Bongo implored the Human captain.
"Slow down, my little friend. They are but two birds, albeit the spawn of the Dark Lord himself, but mortal nonetheless. The steel of our swords shall dispatch them quickly, then we shall proceed to the Valley of Homogorn. Do not be so fearful, young Bongo."
"But you don't understand.... when their plan is complete, we will not be strong enough to overcome them. We must act now!"
"You don't mean...."
As the rest of the band crowded closely about Misthanor and Bongo, a look of understanding, disgust, and horror spread to their faces.
"Yes, Misthanor! If we don't act now, an army of Darkling Magpies will cover the skies of Middle Earth, blotting out the sun and destroying all life."
"How can they...," Misthanor stammered, his senses reeling.
"I don't know how they will produce an army of offspring, but they have been practicing the mating ritual for some time now, and if they aren't stopped, it is certain they will uncover a dark, evil secret that will allow them to succeed. I think one of them may be carrying a brood even as we speak!"
[End of Book 1]
Author's note: Okay, I’m spent. Feel free to write a sequel.
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